living underground in the real world

monday miscellany: in 6 useless acts

books

Ah, karma!

*

The other day I was showing a friend a picture of a bedroom I thought was pretty that was featured in Martha Stewart Living. My friend said, “The room is pretty, but I’m not so sure about that dog!” And I said, horrifyingly, without being able to stop myself, the words tumbling over themselves as I helplessly stood there, my mouth attached to my body but clearly not to my brain: “Aww, that’s Paw Paw, Martha’s chow. I wonder if Francesca is in another photo from this shoot. Actually, Paw Paw died recently. Sad.” My friend just stared at me and I fumbled to explain that I was as shocked as he was that I was on such intimate terms with Martha’s dogs.

*
Remember my best facebook status update ever? Here’s my second best:

johnny’s in the basement mixin’ up the medicine / I’m on the pavement, facebooking from my iphone.

Isn’t it such a tragic commentary on our generation?

In related news, William Zantzinger died the other day, did you hear?

*

Jacob is managing a new band and I can’t tell you who and it’s killing me and they are super awesome.

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I just watched Jacob write a businessy email over his shoulder, and realized that, in contrast to his straightforward write/edit/send style, my email writing style goes like this:

-Write draft of email, which will be replete with emoticons, fields of exclamation marks, myriad injections and exclamations like “Woo!” and “Rad!” and which will probably consist of only one or two sentences, no matter long the email is.

-Google some concept or idea or fact or price on my website or other websites. Get lost in the Googling universe for the next half hour. Justify the wasted time to yourself by reasoning that at least you completely understand the history of Waldorf Schools. As well as the life and times of Rudolf Steiner. As well as the concepts of unschooling and deschooling.

-Return to email. Reread. Begin the arduous process of removing unnecessary bits, which usually entails trimming it to a fraction of its original size.

-Reread, spellcheck (which includes Googling words that I think I spelled right but Spellcheck things I got wrong, then researching the history of these words in order to understand why they are spelled like they are). Shout to whoever is nearby to listen to this or that sentence to see if it sounds weird.

-Reread, quickly now because I’m over the whole thing. The quick rereading usually causes me to miss big errors and typos, but I send anyway.

*

Hey, here’s something I thought of recently. JEWS! You know how some people say they are “bagels-and-lox” Jews, thereby stating that they are cultural, as opposed to, you know, evil Israel-supporting Jews or weird god-believing temple-going Jews? When describing the kind of Jew I am I used to repeat Woody Allen’s joke that I’m “Jew-ish,” but these days I say I’m a “bagels-and-latkes” Jew, thereby veganizing that old saying.

I just realized that traditional latkes aren’t vegan. Well, oh well. Are people still using abortions in their latkes? My god. Just don’t squeeze the juice out of the potatoes, and your latkes will never fall apart! Actually, I have a great recipe all worked out, let me know if you want it.

4 Responses to “monday miscellany: in 6 useless acts”

  1. brittany

    a lot of vegans i know refer to eggs as “abortions.” but they really aren’t. i guess a better alternative to this misnomer would be calling them “periods” or “ovulations.” even though i don’t really think they need to be called any of them… eggs suffices and your disdain comes across regardless of the semantics. :) just saying… xo!

    Reply
  2. lagusta

    OMG! I know. Everyone points that out to me…but I just can’t help myself!

    Reply

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