In appreciation

It seems appropriate to sit down and write a little teeny tiny, not-nearly-good-enough appreciation of a friend of mine. I’ll call her Q. I’ve written about her before on the blog using her name, but suddenly I want to shield her. My love for her is so intense. I can’t risk anything.

Q works as an abortion counselor, talking women (and their men!) through the abortion process. In spite—no, not in spite, because— of this, she is a passionate mother and political mothering activist. She’s an advocate for safe pregnancies for all women, and for all children to be loved, appropriately cared for, and wanted.

Here’s what I’ve written about her in the past:

Q’s entire life is devoted to remaking motherhood and baby-raising – she works as an abortion counselor, where she walks past protesters daily in her “business casual” vintage dresses on her way to empowering women to take control of their reproductive lives. She helps to run an amazing group that “provides pregnancy, labor, and post partum doula services…to women incarcerated in Washington State,” works as a doula-for-hire, volunteers for an abortion-support hotline, fixes up her brand new house, and, of course, is a great co-parent to her [now 2-year-old!] baby, little E.
When I met Q in college she was passionate about the injustices inherent in the prison-industrial complex, and it constantly amazes me how she managed to combine her two passions—prison abolishment and feminist ways of having children—so neatly. The knowledge that Q exists is one of those necessary hand holds I grope for on the days when I feel myself sliding off the thin edge of sanity I’ve worked so hard to build up.

The other night we were talking about The Horribleness, and she mentioned to me that as part of her job she sometimes talks to women who are about to have, are in the middle of, or just had abortions who tell her they are still “pro-life.”

“Well,” she said she says to them, “do you understand now why choice is so important?” And she said they mostly tell her the standard anti-choice line about how it’s a sin, and oh my, it just broke my heart. These women who know in their hearts that they can’t have babies right now (or ever, or maybe they were raped, or any of the million other reasons they need an abortion), but who must torture themselves thinking that they committed a “sin.”

Sins.

Our government is still holding prisoners without any proof of their guilt, there are sweatshops in downtown NYC where people work in slave-like conditions, sex trafficking around the globe continues to buy and sell women’s bodies without their consent, slaughterhouse workers continue to commit suicide because of the sickening nature of their jobs, military men continue to come home from war and beat and kill their spouses in dizzying numbers, cosmetics companies continue to blind, torture and kill animals for no reason whatsoever, our rapacious consumption of useless cheap trash continues to create an economy in which workers are paid and treated horribly because no one will pay a real price for anything, children are still being trained as soldiers in Africa and around the world, human slaves continue to pick our tomatoes and citrus in Florida, and, of course, billions of people continue to eat death on a daily basis, pretending that it is food.

Pro-life. It’s an interesting concept, isn’t it? Whose life? The obsession with babies, their purity and value above almost all else in our culture, continues to sicken me. Of course, I do not believe babies should be murdered or anything. But a fetus, a collection of cells, is simply not a baby, and the belief that it is is a certain sort of willful ignorance and childish stupidity that infuriates me. Belief in god is the only other topic that makes me so instantly furious. Meat eaters make me angry because they are intellectually incurious, misinformed, and unintelligent. God people and anti-choicers make me FURIOUS—because they are childish. I’ve never been a child. I don’t understand this kind of thinking.

Somehow, I started reading the blog of this Mormon woman who almost died in a plane crash last year. The pictures are pretty, and it’s poetic in a silly, grade-school way. I take a peek every once in a while when I’m goofing off from work. I can’t really explain why. Prettiness, I guess.

And also because I look down on this woman so very, very much. That’s the truth of the matter. She practically died in this plane crash and I’m glad she didn’t. (I’m pro-life: I don’t want anyone to die.) She’s sweet, and loving, and she wants to do what’s right in the world. But she’s just…not smart. And it irritates me to no end that all her energy could be used on so much other than popping out kid after kid (she currently has four). All she wants to do is get well enough to have another baby. She lives in that weird moronic (pun intended) world of women being valued above all else for their love and sweetness—for their ability to bear children and raise them capably. And, by the looks of the blog, she is doing a perfect job of it. She’s an intellectual child, and that’s fine. In her world she doesn’t need to be anything more. If I were to ask her, she would say, and so would her sister and her cousins and her mother and every other woman in her world, that she “chose” to have children. She would probably also throw in something about god. She most likely believes it is a choice, but she doesn’t see that she lives in a patriarchal bell jar where the idea of “choice” is so tightly defined that she can’t imagine other ways of living, except to shudder at what they must be like.

Q and I, we’re pro-choice. Motherfucking wide-eyed anarchistic thinking living breathing pro-CHOICE. All choices, for all women, for everyone, about everything. You get a choice. What you do with it, your one wild life and all that, that’s up to you. That’s what being pro-choice, and, for that matter, being an anarchist, means to me.

So, on the phone the other night we were talking about how we came to our views on abortion. We were both raised pro-choice (actually, I’m assuming you were, Q, correct me if I’m wrong), but the murder of Dr. Slepian motivated her to understand how the right to have an abortion is always under attack, and she began to develop a more radical pro-choice politic.

In contrast, I started out on the way far left and used to proudly proclaim myself as “pro-abortion” because I was an old-school Zero Population Growth advocate. These days I’ve calmed down a little and have moved just a bit towards the middle, and I’m mature enough to admit something I wouldn’t have copped to five or ten years ago: abortions aren’t an ideal situation, and one reason I am pro-choice is so there will be less of them.

My hardcore “pro-abortion” stance was partly borne (!) out of the fact that I’ve never felt a biological imperative or impulse. I’ve never understood why anyone would want to have children, so in high school and college I felt women who had children were, well—traitors. (I was into Shulamith Firestone for a while.) They were giving up the radical work of reweaving the world for the oldest and least revolutionary “job” of all, or so I thought.

I’ve grown. I still can’t imagine having children (I know I’ve pointed it out before, but this Onion article is the perfect description of my feelings about handing my body over to a baby). On the other hand, having children in my life is an experience I am cautiously enjoying more and more, and I recognize that for that to happen I need to stay friends with good, political parents.

The great thing about Q is that she is honest about the nuanced world of pregnancy. She is currently pregnant with her second child, and a few weeks ago when we talked she was suffering with horrible daylong “morning” sickness and told me, “this is not a baby inside me. It’s a creature poisoning my entire body and it’s making me crazy.” All pregnant women must feel like that at some point, right? I love Q for being so open about it.

In response, I recently told her my secret shame: that sometimes I think about the fact that if Jacob and I had popped one out when we first got together (um, when I was 18), that baby would be 13 now and could be doing some serious yardwork. I’d probably never have to change the cat boxes again if we had a 13-year-old around! Once I mentioned this hilarious thought to Jacob, and he confided that he pretty much thought the same thing. And we decided for the millionth time that having children so you can use them as slaves isn’t a great idea, and since we can’t think of a better reason, we’d rather just be Lagusta & Jacob, plus Noodle, Cleo, and Sula, of course.

And someday, hopefully someday soon, when the stars align and we don’t live near a main road and have more time and a bigger house and cats that aren’t so crabby: a dog.

Oh! A girl can dream, can’t she?

4 Responses to “In appreciation”

  1. Sarah

    I don’t want to have children, and I wonder what it would be like if I get pregnant, but gave the baby up for adoption. I feel pretty sure I would be looked down upon pretty harshly, because I’m old enough, make a decent salary, and I’m in a committed, stable relationship. What lie would I have to come up with to avoid people thinking I’m either cold-hearted or a nutcase? There are a few societally acceptable reasons for giving up a child for adoption. Perhaps if pro-life folks worked really, really hard to take away the stigma of giving a child up for adoption without one of those reasons, they might make better progress towards their goal.

    Reply
  2. Jordan

    Again I’m loveing your blog… I have been thinking alot lately since current sad events, About abortion. I know I’m pro choice and was thinking about to what extent. I think I came up with the Idea that (perhaps because I’m vegan) until pain sensory development had been achived in the fetus. I wonder how far along that is? But then as a gay man I feel I have no right to tell any woman what to do with her body at any stage. I wont be having kids my body wont make them, And I will never have a partner that I could get preganant. So I have No Idea what a woman feels. And there are always the what ifs about an abortion after the fetus had reached the pain sensory stage. I love useing the gay man excuse when some “pro life” meat eater asks me about my pro choice standing and veganism, Its an ez cop out but any “pro life” meat eater shouldnt get a fair answer. Lastly living in Utah is Amazing because after a Mormon woman has been told to get back in her pin one to many times there are the few that stop! These wemon Make some of the most passionate, Femenist,animal personhood/rights, progressives there are. And they sure are fun to be around!

    P.S. I hope i didnt offend anyone with the things I had to say about my feelings on post pain sensory abortions. This is how I feel at the moment and I’m always up to learn more.

    Reply
  3. lagusta

    Sarah, what a wonderful point! I’ve often thought the same thing. “Pro-life” people seem to pay lip-service to the idea of giving a baby up for adoption, but I have found that in practice most seem to think of it as an option for “unwed teenage mothers” and such.

    I’d also like people who are having trouble getting pregnant to look to adoption before poisoning their bodies and the planet with fertility drugs. Adoption, yes!

    On the other hand, my friend Brittany has recently pointed out to me the many feminist issues surrounding adoption, particularly international adoptions….um, she recommended a good book about it to me, but I can’t find it right now and really have to pee—Brittany, if you see this, would you mention it again??

    Reply

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