living underground in the real world

Monday Miscellany: quatre choses

I’ve been super upset and depressed (also inspired and just the tiniest bit hopeful) about Iran lately, but am trying to keep that off the blog, as there is no commentary I could provide that would be better than what you would read elsewhere. Instead, let’s be frivolous while the world is still slightly intact.

Four quick things:

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Trust me, it looked worse in real life. Or, better, if you’re so inclined!

1) If you happen to have a shirt that is seemingly designed solely to show off your muffin top, do not wear it out in the world. It will take you two seconds to sew the side seams closed, and unless you do you will be quite openly horrified at your very healthy, very cheffy roll o’ flesh spilling over your jeans as you sit at your favorite outdoor cafe sipping an iced hibiscus tea and reading the New Paltz Times. (It will, however, inspire great posture.)

Speaking of said roll: Universe, can I ask you two quick questions?

1a.) How is it possible that I weigh 112 lbs (OK, this number seems a little weird to me, too. I don’t own a scale, but when I went to get my Lyme Disease all checked out they weighed me and apparently this is correct…and now you know the truth: I am 0% muscle.) yet if I am wearing jeans that fit properly enough to make my flat ass look even vaguely rounded, I have the ol’ flesh roll hanging out over the top? Could some of this lusciousness maybe migrate to my wrists, which are so weirdly thin that they seem to disappear when I turn them sideways? Or maybe my bony knees that knock together when I walk sometimes? Or even my extra tiny head?

1b.) How does Noodle the cat magically know every time I am taking a picture, and why does she have such a compulsion to be in every one? Should I talk to my vet about this? Between that and the super-intense foot fetish, she is one of the most bizarre cats I’ve ever known.

Now that the internet knows both my bra size and my weight (both of which I have also learned in the past month!), let’s move on.

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2) I’d like to have been there when the name of this shop was picked out. Do you think it’s owned by the same people who named the Dress Barn? From the looks of the interior, the Cake Bin was probably opened in about 1965. This place was one of those 100% shortening bakeries filled with crumbly thick sugar cookies with sprinkles on top and those Italian cookies with the green maraschino cherries and things. It was charmingly un-artisanal, if that makes sense. And of course there was nothing vegan, or even appetizing. I’m still happy they are there, though, in a weird way.

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3) The “your/you’re” typo is really really annoying me lately. This photo was taken while driving, but I think you can figure it out. “Your” for “you’re” seems to be all over Facebook, and I’ve come so close to screaming at friends of friends about it dozens of times. It’s so easy! If you are contracting “you are,” use “you’re”! People who are obsessed with things like the Oxford comma get annoying and are slightly elitist at times, I know, but REALLY PEOPLE.

4) What was the fourth thing? Oh boy, I lost it.

OH! Just a silly whiskey note: this looks sort of nasty, has anyone tried it? I loves me some Maker’s, but am wary of all premade drinks. (Sorry for the crappy iphone pic.)

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5. One more for good measure: here’s an idea: NEVER READ THE COMMENTS TO ANY NEW YORK POST ARTICLE. Trust me. Better yet: never read any New York Post article, period.

5 Responses to “Monday Miscellany: quatre choses”

  1. brittany

    Mmmmmmm Cake Bin. This is one of the main causes of my west-coast induced depression – the complete absence of anything even resembling a legitimate Italian bakery. It hurts my soul.

    Also – you’re (haha) dead on with the grammar. The “you’re/your” and “there/their/they’re” stuff just isn’t that hard. There’s really no reason for those kind of mistakes. As for the Oxford Comma, I intentionally REFUSE to use it and have tremendous disdain for anyone who advocates on its behalf. It is stupid, stupid, stupid and should be outlawed entirely. While we’re being obnoxious about grammar, though, wtf is up with the “I could care less”?!?!?!?!?! If you COULD care less, it implies that you DO, in fact, CARE and therefore negates EVERYTHING you are trying to say… I must have this argument a hundred times a month, always met with the same vacant “Huh?” expression.

    Whatevs. I could care less. (In this case, it’s actually true).

    Reply
  2. Dustin Rhodes

    OMG: So, of course, even though I am gay, of course I don’t wear midriffs, but I have noticed this “thing” where if I eat just one bite of food too much (over the course of, say, one week), I start to look like I am in my first trimester; in other words, I stay skinny everywhere, except for in the most hideous place. I look like Britney Spears when she had fallen from pop-heaven, and was all tripped out and bi-polar. Remember when she was “chubby” but kept performing in bikinis? Well, that’s what happens to me, and I hate it!

    Reply
  3. lagusta

    OK, Oxford comma. I’ve always been a fan, I admit. My reasoning for it has been that a comma signifies a pause, therefore there should be a pause after every item in a list. Why shouldn’t you pause before saying the “and” in a list? I also think it’s somehow tidier. But as I start roughly 99% of my sentences with prepositions, I’m not going to get all defensive about it or anything.

    Yeah, “I could care less” is right up there with “I can’t get no satisfaction” for me. Totally.

    Dustin, I SO have the first trimester thing going after every meal. Jacob and I are always making horrible disgusting jokes about how I’ll be skinnier “once the baby comes out” after I eat a burrito or something. And um, I am! Eeewwwwwww.

    Reply
  4. kt

    112? eek gads i officially hate you. no really, i don’t. if i did i would not read your blog. which i um, i obviously do!

    i am a huge (ha! don’t say a freakin’ word) fan of the serial comma, mostly for the reasons you stated above. i affectionately call it the penultimate comma and am constant advocate for its use. (i also hate that the possessive of “it” i=s w/o the apostrophe, but not much you can do abt that…)

    Reply
  5. lagusta

    I’m telling you, it seems weird to me too. Jeff Logan was my nurse, maybe I should ask him if he remembers. I’d say I’m much more like 115-120…maybe I should just go to someone’s place with a scale and see, because now I’m really curious!

    Reply

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