I haven’t really been paying much attention to my life lately. Midsummer, all that. I’ve been mastering the art of not giving weight to problems and annoyances and watching them fade away.* It’s been difficult to align all my synapses to do real work, so I haven’t been. Somehow chocolates still are getting made, food is still getting cooked and delivered. It’ll work out OK.
Usually I take pride in pushing my life—not just crossing off items on a to do list, but working to move the big things along too. Not being passive. Gathering up my strength and energy. Doing it. Balls out. Go!
But I’m sleepy and quiet and lazy these days. It’s the middle of July and I’m in full heat-seeking mode—eating lunch on the back patio with the sun streaming all around, just the way I like it. If my sweetheart were home we would do that thing we’ve been doing for twelve years: finding the spot where the sun and shade split, so he can sit in the cool shade and I can feel the sun pouring down on me. We do it without thinking most of the time: when feeling our way to the best picnic or rest stop, we automatically look for that curtain that will give each of us what we want out of summertime.
What I’ve been thinking about a lot, while hiding from the to-do list—the kimchi that needs to needs to be made for the winter with all this nice local cabbage, the pickling and freezing and planning I should be doing, the weeding and trimming and accounting and advertising (not to mention figuring out why like half my blog pictures don’t seem to show up for some people…)—is how much I want to be at Polihale with the one I love.
Isn’t it weird when a place enters your consciousness and won’t leave? I won’t get a chance to visit Polihale for about six months, but I’ve been craving the feeling of home that beach gives me. I got all sappy about it here, at the very bottom, so I won’t get all emo on you again today.
All I want—what I keep thinking about, with a very pleasant achey longing—is to walk on this beach, holding the hand of the one I love and talking about everything in the world.
In the meantime, I’m ignoring mostly everything. I’m putting on pretty dresses every day and wandering around town, humming under my breath, working on my posture, enjoying being alone and walking aimlessly, noticing flowers and new shops. Overhearing conversations, watching all the beautiful girls in their beautiful summertime clothes, sipping lemonade and wondering if I should stop for a taco.
I wouldn’t want to be this loose and free all the time. I like my focused, ultra-productive self—well, I like where it takes me. But if I can’t be at Polihale with my sweetheart, I’m thankful I can be in New Paltz in July, even solitary.
*The Green Party minutes report: “Lagusta apologizes for enjoying her life and being a slacker of a Green. General consensus is that this is alright in light of the beautiful weather outside.”