’tis the season II

My name is caramel and I will force you to sing Silent Night. And you will like it.


I have to be the only small business owner in the world who, instead of joyously yet anxiously preparing for the onslaught of work and revenue that these last two months of the year bring, attempts instead to change the way the entire universe thinks about what time of year is appropriate to buy gifts. May I suggest March? March! Or…September! Both wonderful times to surprise someone with a beautiful box of chocolates.

This whole holiday thing is continually perplexing to me.

I’ve never been into it. I celebrate birthdays in the most grandiose fashion imaginable, because I am self-centered, vain, and selfish, and love my birthday because it belongs only to me. I don’t like sharing my holidays with dead people who never existed yet have engendered massive amounts of suffering and death, or tortured carcasses of rotting flesh, or fake miracles involving whale oil or whatever the hell Hanukkah is about. I don’t have family apart from my sweetheart and my mom, and, like any sane political person, the gluttony and sweatshoppiness and overconsumption is just vomitous.

You know, you all agree, this isn’t news to any of you.

But I am a chocolatier, so I can’t, like you possibly can, just retreat into a far-left utopia into it’s all done. (OK, yeah, I go away for a month in the middle of it, which screws up the business considerably, to tell the truth.) So I try to make it work for me and my business. The truth is: chocolates are the perfect gift for the non-consumerist who wants nothing, leaving, as they do, not a trace of their existence—you can even compost the damn box, people! And the wrapping paper, and the ribbon! Vegetable goddamn inks!

[Not the Big Assortment boxes though, those are (doubtless) dioxin-bleached white boxes that you should recycle–you don’t want that stuff in your compost. In time and with luck and many more healthy money-making holiday seasons, I’ll save up enough to get fancy, beautiful, eco-friendly Big Assortment boxes printed up…]

What is the point of this blog post, you ask? Thank you for asking. We have now arrived at it:

Thanks to the magic of this here blog (for it was through my friendship with one Dustin Rhodes, whom you know, that this all came about), I am doing a collaboration with the magnificient animal rights group Friends of Animals whereupon if you purchase a box of Rosemary Sea Salt Caramels through their site, 50% of the sale (the sale, not the profits! Big difference!) go to their excellent work. And enough goes to me to cover my costs, too! Win win. And I can sleep a bit easier at night, and feel a bit less guilty for fucking around with sugar all day instead of doing the real work that people like Dustin do, which I still feel is really what I was supposed to do with my life.

Thus! Go forth and celebrate the festival of lights/your African heritage/some fakeass freak not really being born, whatever it is you celebrate–do it with caramel! For reals: anyone who had the pleasure of tasting these delights (I hate writing flowery foodie prose like that, but SERIOUSLY) when they were the Chocolate of the Month in July will remember that they were OFF. THE. CHAIN. Here’s their Facebook album, check out the caramel pictorials and drool away.

The reason I wanted to do these chocolates as this deal was really just so I could be assured a supply of them now until forever, OK? The truth comes out. Remember that day I ate a caramel sandwich? Many more days like that are in my future! I repeat: win win.

love and sticky hot sugar,


PS: One more Friends of Animals note. Lee Hall is a hot shot there, and her AMAZING book, On Their Own Terms, is sitting right next to me— devoured like a caramel sandwich, lovingly highlighted, starred, and “yes!!!”ed up to high heaven (Sula the cat is sitting on it, knowing as he must that it argues that he should be allowed to express his full catness at all times without human interference, thus he can sit on any old book he wants)—awaiting a blog review. Read it now so we can chat about it when the holiday choco orders calm down and I can blab to you all about how much I loved it, OK?

8 Responses to “’tis the season II”

  1. Abby Bean

    Who can say what anyone is “supposed” to do with their life?

    When someone says they can never be vegan because they love ______ too much, it is important that people like you exist, whose food can be offered as a mind-bendinginly delicious alternative to the cruel version of which they speak.

    You are doing more than your part.

  2. Stephanie

    Aren’t we all a mess of competing interests and internal struggles? Maybe some of us just don’t broadcast them as widely as you do, Lagusta! All I know is that I am happier in a world where I can tell my mother-in-law that if she feels compelled to ask grown adults for Christmas lists that her vegan, non-consumerist son and daughter-in-law would not scoff at chocolate of the month deliveries and point her to the website of an amazing vegan chocolatier! What would I do without you??

    And completely off-topic: a good friend of mine is going to NYC to meet with a macrobiotic counselor in the Upper West Side. She is planning a trip to Moo Shoes and I was wondering if you had any tips for vegan shopping/eating in that general area. Us upstaters limit our southern travel…


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