my second panic attack

The post below is rife with typos, repeats itself, at times makes no sense whatsoever, and will probably leave you confused and frustrated.

It’s fine. It’s synecdoche.


You weren’t an English major?

OK, that means that its stylistic conventions mirror its subject.

Well…that’s not really what synecdoche means.

It’s more like when someone writes a poem about a crown, but they’re really referring to a king.


The subject is: red tape, and my attempt to think I wouldn’t get tangled up in it. (enter pun about how I’m now tangled up in blue here)

So this post is messy, and I’m too tired to care. I highly suggest you skip around. You won’t miss much.

Have fun!

A therapist (all great blog posts start out with those words, right?) would probably say that the reason I’m so obsessed with fairness is that my childhood was so ridiculously unfair. Who knows. The fact is, like most lefties, I just can’t make my peace with the fact that life is not fair, and a huge portion of my life is devoted to making it as fair as possible.

Also like the leftist movement in general, this paralyzes me to such an extent that I never really get anything done on a larger scale because I’m so freaking obsessed with righting tiny injustices.

Because I work for myself, I have the luxury of being fair to my customers and myself—striking that balance can be tough, but I enjoy the challenge of it. It’s fair that I would send out your chocolate orders within four days of you ordering them, no matter what other shit I have happening in my life. On the other hand, it’s also fair that I would not have to work 20-hour workdays. Usually I can balance this just fine, but around Valentine’s or Easter I’m OK with temporarily letting the fairness slide toward my customers, or else I just lean on my excellent helpers, who I make sure to pay a fair wage. Fairness all around is the goal.

It’s an easy goal to meet when you control everything.

Unfortunately for me and my sleeping patterns and my propensity for panicking, I’ve got it into my head that I’m being treated unfairly in my quest to get a Special Use Permit for the chocolate shop, and it’s completely and totally taking over my life.

I need to just get over it, but I can’t. Shall I try the write-it-out trick? What was that Hemingway said? If he could write it he could get rid of it or something? Let’s see how it goes.

And so begins my latest tale of woe:

The Planning Board (not the one I’m kind of an alternate on, that’s the town PB. This is the Village PB. New Paltz is blessed with the ludicrous system of a village and a town nestled inside each other with the same name. It’s very confusing.) has decided that I need to build a sidewalk on my road frontage of the building. You remember the building, right? Jacob and I just bought it after an epic 11-month battle that took all our money and energy and sanity? It was just two posts ago, I doubt you could forget it.


In theory I agree about the sidewalk.

Except that my property line is really strange and ends way before the street, and actually stops in the middle of the parking lot.

In this photo, Jacob is standing at the property corner, isn’t it weird? We don’t actually own any of that chewed-up blacktop there that looks so crappy. (We own the building that looks so crappy.)

So, the PB is saying I need to submit a plan to them of how I will build a sidewalk on land that isn’t my own, then I need to ask for permission to build a sidewalk on land that isn’t my own, from the Village of New Paltz.

So I need to ask my town (well, village) to let me build them a free sidewalk in order to have permission to do minor cosmetic renovations (all I have $ for right now) to a building I am fixing up in order to open up a world-class chocolate shop in their town. (If you’re confused, I’ll explain in more nauseating detail in a minute.)

Again, I’m all for a sidewalk. Yay, sidewalks! It’s just that in elementary school I was taught that taxes go to pay for things we all need, like sidewalks and school busses (no comment, says the childless brazen careerist), and our personal money goes toward things we want, like antique chocolate display cases that cost almost as much as a car but that I must have.

So I find it a little unfair, but I guess I’d go along with it, because I don’t like to make a fuss and I’m a bit of a socialist—from each according to her ability, to each according to her need, ya dig? Except that I don’t have the ability to afford a sidewalk, but I suspect the village doesn’t either, so maybe we could meet in the middle somehow?

But here’s the thing.

Until the plans for the sidewalk are submitted and the sidewalk is built, my Special Use Permit (which I need in order to open the shop, because of the codes in my district) and Building Permit (which I need to start renovations) will not be granted.

This means my part of the building is currently sitting vacant, uselessly sucking up money and not making any money. (The apartments in the back have received their building permit and are currently being renovated, so that’s something.)

Meanwhile, I need to be out of my kitchen by May 15, and on May first I’ll be faced with a gigantic mortgage payment on a building that isn’t taking in any cash, as well as a homeless business.

This is what we in the planning community would call a “self-imposed hardship” —it’s my fault I bought the building, and the fact that it put me in the poorhouse has no bearing on the actual code requiring the sidewalk.

I totally agree.

Ah, except that: there is no code requiring the sidewalk.

More on that later.

I knew the sidewalk was going to be an issue before we bought the building—like any responsible potential landowner, I scheduled a site visit with the Building Department, Planning Board, and Health Dept before we even bought the building. We discussed the rocky road frontage and I knew it would need to be fixed up. There is actually no true “sidewalk” on my entire side of the street, just blacktop that, personally, I think is better for biking. I suggested fixing up the uneven blacktop. The PB said a sidewalk was what was needed.

Again, I have no problem building a sidewalk—even though it will be a sidewalk to nowhere, as there is no sidewalk on either side of me.  New Paltz is striving for a more walkable and bikeable community (yeah, I know you don’t ride your bike on sidewalks. One more reason why I suggested blacktop instead), and sidewalks are part of that.

At the site visit, I figured we’d work out the sidewalk issue in time. I showed everyone the survey stating that almost none of the area where a sidewalk should be built was on my property—it was owned by the Village and my neighbor. Everyone agreed this was strange, and I figured we’d iron it out at the meeting.

Ah, Lagusta! What a fool you were!

I did not know they were going to hold my Special Use Permit hostage and put my business on hold before I built the sidewalk, and this is where the unfairness comes in.

The Village had decided that it’s a priority to build sidewalks, but, life being what it is, there really isn’t money in the budget for them right now. I’m not saying that’s why they’re making me build the sidewalk…I’m just stating the facts of the case.

So, why don’t I just suck it up, build the sidewalk (the estimate is roughly $1000), and move on? First of all, it will take weeks to get approval, build it, go back to the PB, and then begin the process of a public hearing for my Special Use Permit again and this is getting boring but basically what I want to say is that time is a-wastin’ and time is money and I REALLY NEED MONEY RIGHT NOW.


I have been told by more than one fellow Village building owner that if I break down and the build the sidewalk, I will set a dangerous precedent for agreeing to make improvements on public land on the backs of struggling small business owners. The pressure is on to stand up to the Planning Board and make the case that I shouldn’t need to build the sidewalk.

(I have also been told that I should have brought “a lawyer, or at least a boyfriend in a suit” [<——ACTUAL QUOTE] to the Planning Board meeting, instead of representing myself. I was so confident I could represent myself, but the truth is that I didn’t know how to respond when they stated that my only option was to hire a surveyor and an engineer to create a plan to build two five-foot chunks of sidewalk (yeah, you read that right. Two five-foot stretches of sidewalk.).

I suggested building it in six months when my cash flow recovered a bit, or doing the blacktop, or promising to build it soon in exchange for the SUP now. Nothing worked, so I just said thank you and left and went to the car and called Jacob and said I failed and I was a failure and how could I fail? I failed. I was a failure. Fail fail fail fail.

Meanwhile, the pressure is also on for me to move out of my kitchen in a month.

In order to do this, the new kitchen needs 3 weeks of renovations.

The soonest I can get the Special Use Permit and thus begin construction is three weeks, since I have to go to at least two more Planning Board meetings in order to get it (one for them to approve the sidewalk plan, one for a public hearing where, if you live locally, you will hopefully come out and speak in favor of the chocolate shop!).

I’m hemorrhaging money like crazy right now and because we didn’t know what else to do, we hired a lawyer to help us out with writing a letter to the Planning Board offering them a compromise they will hopefully accept at the next meeting: that we offer to pay for part of the sidewalk on their property in exchange for me getting my grubby little paws on the Special Use Permit.

I don’t know if this will work.

I worry it will make the PB angry and they will send me back to square one: hiring an engineer to draw up formal plans, then constructing the sidewalk, then coming back to the PB. That will take at least a month.

I know this is just how things go, and I’m not asking for special treatment because I’m poor and need to move out of my current kitchen, but I don’t understand why all my other ideas have been rejected. There’s no actual law that the sidewalk needs to be built—it’s completely up to the whims of the PB. One PB member stated flat-out that it’s his personal mission to get a sidewalk built on North Front Street because he built a building (BUILT A BUILDING. I’m asking to do some minor work and painting to an existing building!) across the street and had to build a sidewalk on his frontage. Sigh. What can I do with that?

I don’t blame them for deciding the sidewalk (to nowhere) is needed. It just seems the desperate needs of a small business owner are being run rough shod in favor of red tape that could be easily cut. Everyone (even Mr. North Front Street Personal Sidewalk Mission) on the PB is perfectly nice, and I’m sure they are perfectly lovely people, and I’m sure if we were friends and they weren’t on the PB they would agree that the situation is comically ludicrous. But something happens when you’re a part of the government. It’s the tyranny of the masses, and it’s almost enough to turn me into a Libertarian, I swear.

(Oh god, it’s not that bad.)

Really, this is a small matter. But I’m obsessed with it.

So: stress.

Not sleeping, the whole deal.

Oh, and:

Other stressful things happening in my life right now:

-The oven at my current kitchen has broken and I’m currently making matzo toffee at a friend’s commercial kitchen, which means a whole lot of hauling. My landlord won’t fix the oven because I’m moving out in a month. Nice guy, I know.

-My home kitchen sink is leaking and Jacob swears he can fix it when he gets home—in a week and “don’t call the plumber, I can fix it.” Sigh. Until then I can’t really use the kitchen sink.

-My work sinks are backing up and my landlord is refusing to do anything about it. By about, oh, tomorrow, this is going to become a huge problem. My landlord negotiated a terribly unfair deal with the next tenant (who I found for him) whereby she will agree to all repairs in exchange for him not raising the rent. I told her this was a terrible idea but…alas. So I know he’s not going to want to fix the sink, yet, I really need a sink in order to make chocolates, because:

-Easter orders are pouring in (yay!) and I can’t hire anyone to help me because I need every dollar to go toward kitchen renovation expenses.

-I’m eating like shit because I’m working like crazy and because I’m trying to eat an entire freezer worth of meal delivery leftovers (I have literally FOUR GALLONS of something called “sauce” in this freezer. I can’t figure out what the crap it is.) so I can sell the damn freezer. This week I ate peanut noodles, I KID YOU NOT, twelve times in order to use up a giant vat of, as the label read, “p-nut sauce 5/09 too many szech pep.” Do you want to know what “too many szech pep” (Szechuan peppercorns) do to your tongue after eating them 12 meals in a row? No, you do not, and you do not want to know.

-Related to the sink situation, I splashed Draino into an open wound on my hand yesterday and sat in quiet agony for five full minutes before regaining my ability to stand. Still hurts. That shit is TOXIC, no joke.

-Suddenly my hair is falling out. I am not kidding.

-My mom, who requires round-the-clock babysitting, has decided it would be a great idea to come visit the second week of May (see above, re: move-out-of-kitchen date) and is giving me major Jewish-mom guilt because I won’t let her. Also because she wants me to send her bunnies.

-Speaking of bunnies, the pb bunnies heads and ears keep falling off because I like their shells (SKINS???) to be really thin. Too thin. My friends are really enjoying that I keep making this mistake. Me, not so much.

-Some of our renovation funds fell through and thus I had to, for the first time in a decade after painstakingly paying off credit card debt incurred in college because without credit cards I would probably literally have starved to death (also because this one time in high school my mom wrote bad checks with my personal account and ruined my credit for seven years), start applying for credit cards like crazy to fund certain vital chocolate shop items. I hate living off credit and this is killing me, but have I mentioned this display case I’m buying?

I’ve been watching Brothers & Sisters while I work lately, and it’s OK, but Calista Flockhart’s facial structure disturbs me deeply. I know it’s anti-feminist to say, but SHE HAS A WEIRD FACE.

And on

And on

And on.

Basically: I took a giant huge leap that I know will pay off in time, but today it all seems utterly insurmountable.

In five years when the building is making me money and I’ve paid off what I borrowed to renovate it, life will be wonderful, but right now it’s pretty damn terrifying.

I know that’s what big leaps are about, and usually it’s fine, but today:

The sky was heavy and dark and I pushed myself like crazy to get as many boxes out to the PO as possible. My damn Draino-wound hand hurt, but I didn’t care and I got to the PO at 4:50 and began hauling in boxes like a crazy woman, when my lawyer called and said he thinks the process of appealing to the PB to get them to compromise on the sidewalks might work, but his work was going to cost more than the cost of the sidewalk, and what did I want to do. I was trying to talk to him while juggling endless boxes, and somehow managed to get everything inside before 5. I know cutting it so close incurs the stink-eye from the PO workers, and I don’t blame them, but I had no other option.

I talked to the lawyer as I drove to town, then I called Jacob and told him everything the lawyer said.

Then I had ½ hour to get something to eat (I just couldn’t do the peanut noodles again) and calm down before I had a Town Planning Board (the one I’m sort-of-an-alternate for, not the one I’m mad at) meeting. I parked at the building (having a personal parking spot is really nice) and walked to get a taco.

On the way I realized I wasn’t breathing so great.

I felt really flushed and hot, and I am never, ever hot. I’ve been pretty much constantly freezing since August 1996 when I moved to the East Coast, but today my t-shirt armpits were soaked. The guy at the taco place gave me the hugest taco I’d ever seen, overflowing the guac and special homemade hot sauce, and I could tell he wasn’t flirting—he smiled at me with a compassionate “you-need-this” smile, and I tried to pretend he couldn’t see the panic attack I could, by now, tell was slowly coming on.

I’ve only had one other panic attack before, but I watched a friend have one once, and it was terrifying. I didn’t know at the time that I should just keep calm and tell him to just keep breathing, so I called 911, and the paramedics came and told him to just keep calm and just keep breathing, and he did, and it passed.

Jacob was there when I had my previous panic attack, and, Jacob being Jacob, he knew exactly what to do. He squeezed my hand and looked into my eyes and helped me focus my breathing until it passed. But today Jacob was in Arcata, California.

As I walked back to the building my hands started to get tingly, which happens a lot to me when I get keyed up and stop breathing. I passed someone I vaguely know, and he asked me if I was OK. I said, “why, do I look not-OK?” and he said I had the reddest face he had ever seen. I stammered that I was fine and smiled a shaky smile and kept walking.

I started getting panicky about getting panicky, and by the time I got to the building, where I was planning on sitting outside in the sweet spring air and eating my taco, I was desperate to get inside and away from the world, into the dark cool unrenovated soon-to-be-chocolate shop, but the keys wouldn’t work for my desperately shaking hands.

My breathing was becoming really shallow, and I didn’t know how to self-soothe, as a therapist would say. I just slumped down in front of the door and put my knees up to my chest and my head in my knees and squeezed my eyes shut and I was sort of keening/whining/wheezing/crying, but in a few minutes I sort of wore myself down and my breath started to even out.




The calm after a panic attack

is the calmest calm in the universe.

You know?

It’s the calm after a good cry or a good orgasm or a good scream—that I got it out feeling. Feeling the rage or panic or lust or whatever temporarily escape. Freedom, before it all seeps back again.



I just sat there until I could move again, and then it started raining on me.

I laughed at the real-life metaphor.

Then I slowly ate my taco, combed my hair, splashed cold water on my face, and went to the Planning Board meeting.


So: unfairness. Perceived or real, I don’t do so well with it.

And now: wine, and work emails, then: tomorrow. The sun’ll come up, blah blah. One week until the Planning Board meeting where I make my case for a compromise.

I’ve just got to keep breathing.

17 Responses to “my second panic attack”

  1. ruby

    Well, if you want some help moving things that May weekend I could look at tickets (& maybe just come up from the city for the day so you don’t have to worry about hosting). Otherwise, keep me updated about your shop’s opening & I’ll try to fly in for that. (I have a new job that gives me four day weekends & I aim to take advantage of it before I inevitably fill my extra days with insane amounts of non-profit work.)

    • lagusta

      wooo hooo!!! i’d rather you come when I can hang out with you and get drunk, though, instead of forcing you to move boxes. But I will file that offer away!

  2. Randal Putnam

    You probably know I would suggest that you build the sidewalk and move on. $1,000 seems to be the minimum denomination in the world of problems related to real estate ownership, so you have gotten off pretty lightly. There will be more $1,000 obligations in your future!

    If you are really up for the fight, though, the cost of the sidewalk is not high enough for it to make sense to buy a bunch of lawyer time. Even so, you don’t need a lawyer to ask the Village to split the cost with you. Sidewalk Law of the Village of New Paltz, Article IV, 175-17(C) is the basis for your request (set forth below). This is a pretty solid idea.

    Not so solid idea? Note the reference to Article 22. I wonder if based on Article 22 you could suggest to the PB that the Village pay the entire cost to build the sidewalk and then add your half to your property bill. Maybe it would be easier to come up with the $500 by this fall? Maybe they wouldn’t get around to building it for years, and in the interim you’d owe nothing. Be careful if you take this approach, though, as they may build it and determine the cost of construction is higher than what you are presently expecting. Half of $2,000 starts to look like maybe you should have just built it yourself when the cost was $1,000.

    From Sidewalk Law of the Village of New Paltz, Article IV, 175-17(C): Notwithstanding, an owner or occupant may apply to the Board for the Village to pay a portion of the expense of the construction or repair of a sidewalk. In order to obtain the consent of the Board of Trustees, the owner or occupant shall submit all plans for construction or repair of the sidewalk to the Building Inspector for his approval. If the Building Inspector determines that the plans conform with the construction standards of sidewalks of the Village, the owner or occupant may then apply to the Board for consent of the Village to pay a portion of the expense of construction or repair thereof. The application shall be presented to the Village Clerk and shall include the final plans and specifications as approved by the Building Inspector and a copy of the contract, if any, or itemized estimate of the cost of construction or repair. If the Board of Trustees is satisfied that the construction or repair of the sidewalk is in the interest of the general public, the Board shall approve the project and shall reimburse such owner or occupant 1/2 of the actual and necessary expense of construction or repairing the sidewalk. This apportionment of the expense shall be applicable in every situation where the Board agrees that the Village will pay a proportionate amount of the expense. In lieu of paying the owner or occupant the proportionate share as herein determined, the Board may determine that the Village will pay the entire cost of construction or repair and assess the proportionate share of the owner or occupant to the real property abutting the improvement, as provided in Article 22 of the Village Law.

    Good luck with this all. Let me know if I can help.

      • lagusta

        1) Jacob is obsessed with how awesome this comment is, as am I. THANK YOU!

        2) I agree that we should just build the sidewalk to make life easier…But the letter from the lawyer was sent today! I just can’t do it! The unfairness is making me too crazy!

        3) Amazing idea about article 22! Duly noted!!!

        4) I feel like Jacob is going to call you to discuss this more when he gets home from tour. Be warned.

      • Randal Putnam

        The article 22 idea is crazy. That article wasn’t meant to be a payment deferral scheme. It was meant to serve as a hammer to prevent deadbeat property owners from getting out of needed sidewalk improvements. If the property owner doesn’t do the work, the Village does and then bills the owner. The bill is a lien on the property. Don’t pay it and the Village can take your building. Even so, I tossed it out there as a plan D kind of idea. Maybe the Village would be willing to use Article 22 to get their sidewalk right away and give you a little time to pay, but I doubt it. It is better to focus on Plan A (getting relief from the request), Plan B (getting the Village to split the cost) or Plan C (pay for the whole thing and focus on your business).

        Jacob is welcome to call anytime.

        Again, good luck!

  3. Veronica

    Oh, Lagusta. I’m so sorry to read about all the problems going on … I can’t even begin to imagine the stress involved and I can’t seem to find any encouraging words to match to enormous anxiety you’re feeling.

    What I can say, though, is dude: sending out orders within four days is ridiculous! I don’t think it’s at all outrageous to expect even a seven day period for orders to be sent out, especially if your customers know your business model and your attention to freshness and quality. Cut yourself some slack!

    Please please please take care of yourself. Please try to eat well (even if it means letting go of the food in the freezer and starting over). Please try to take time for yourself and do something non-business related each day… don’t burn yourself out!
    Without the healthy Lagusta we all know and love there will be no chocolate shop.

    Hugs to you.

    • lagusta

      When I got this comment in my email today, I just smiled and smiled. Thanks, sweetheart. Thanks for the encouragement.

      I know, I imposed the 4-day thing when I quit the meal delivery, and Jacob too is always telling me it’s insane. Thanks for the perspective.

  4. Agnes Devereux

    Welcome to the roller coaster world of building/business ownership in New Paltz. I lost 28lbs the first year we opened because my stomach was in a knot the entire time. I think a lawyer (who will work for barter?) is the way to go…capricious enforcement of non-existant code for starters. Secondly – never buy a single piece of equipment from Hudson Wholesalers in Kerhonkson – worst decision I ever made…ask kat – all her refrigeration came from there also. Lots of luck and welcome to the community!

    • lagusta

      Ahhh! OY! I know her refrigeration is wonky…but I’ve also bought good stuff from them! And….I bought my glorious new display case from them. Cross your fingers for me! (I also had a hilarious 30-minute conversation with Wayne, the owner, who also owns Bacchus, about the perils and pleasures of NP business-owning. He’s a character!). I am going to call them tomorrow to discuss warranty issues!

      And thanks for the sweet advice, fellow Village Biz Owner! I feel better knowing I’m not the only one who lets this stuff get to her.

      I’ve been looking forward to many days of strolling over to the Tearoom for tea and newspaper reading in my future, now that it’s so close!

  5. Liz

    Item #1: That lady TOTALLY has a weird face and it doesn’t make you a woman hater to acknowledge it. Some folks have weird faces. Them’s the facts.

    Item #2: I somewhat agree with Randal that it doesn’t make personal or economic sense to martyr yourself over this precedent. However, as someone who routinely kills herself by giving in to the requests of others (usually either because it’s the right thing to do or because I would rather sacrifice my own comfort to satisfy the much louder, more demanding needs of others…woof), I know exactly how you are feeling. I think this is an instance where you need to practice self care, which means paying for the stupid sidewalk, accepting that you did what was best for you at the time, and moving on. The town (or village or whatever) will forgive you for the “dangerous precedent” and, in time, you will forgive yourself for giving in to agenda-driven bureaucrats. Pick this battle later, when there isn’t a deadline hanging over you and you have the time and energy to fight it.

    Compromising now doesn’t mean giving up on the fight. It just means strategically postponing it until you can handle it without sacrificing your entire business.

    Good luck, lady!

    • lagusta

      Glad to know someone else is completely freaked by ol’ Calista!

      What you describe–rage at always being accommodating and not wanting to be accommodating *just once* in order to look out for your own interests–is precisely why I am so nuts about this sidewalk thing. Yep. It’s all about weighing the rage at being accommodating with the necessity to just get it done.

      As always, you are brilliant and I want you to come back and make my Facebook feed better!

  6. Jordan

    I’m sorry you had a panic attack. I have had so many! And no matter how many times you have them and for what ever reason you’re having one they never get any easier! Last week I saw a man masterbating in a park! And what was worse was that he saw me see him doing it! And I started running and tripped off a curb and 90% of what was in my arms came out, I grabbed as much as i could and kept running, got to my car and hit the lock button so many times that I relocked it and freaked!! almost ripped the handle off it, I didnt calm down and start crying until I was safely on the freeway.

    I think everyone would wait two weeks for chocolates as good as yours. I also try to think of dogs floating on houses three weeks after an earth quake/tsunami, when my life seems awful, Not that your hardships right now arent heavy!

    I think its good that you think of how fancy your chocolate shop will be in five years! Have you thought about what color your going to paint the building?

  7. lagusta

    Aww, Jordan. You’re a sensitive spirit, my friend.

    Also, you were right about that thing on the building–it is a bug zapper! I’d never heard of such a thing. It’s not plugged in, but I need to take it off.

    Well, thanks for asking about paint! What a fun thing to think about. OK, I’m going to paint the inside a sort of robin’s egg blue with some chocolatey brown here and there, and the outside we’re hoping to just fix up the brick that’s under the siding.

    It’s going to be awesome.

  8. Jordan

    Oh! so the siding is coming off?? Who would put siding over brick? Love love love the idea of Robins egg blue with chocolatey brown trim/here and there! Nothing more could be the better!

  9. Jordan

    Oh one more thing.. Window Planter boxes might be cute, with hanging sweet potato margarita. They are cheap to make and look very attractive! You could even plant chocolate mint in them! I worked at Home depot and ran the paint dept for a few years Until they fired me for hiding all the lamb skin roller covers! I got away with that for 2 years! And when customers would ask about them I would tell them that home depot wasnt saleing them anymore because they left fuzzyness behind and ruined peoples walls. Finally some sales rep from the company that supplied them ratted me out! I really hope you blog about the renovation with before and after pictures.


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