from december 2

the other day Kate and i were talking and she asked if i wanted to pull a tarot card and i don’t believe in the tarot or god or fate because my mom raised me to be a proper post-holocaust secular jew or i pretend not to believe in it all like most secular jews but as a kid i watched my mom throw the i ching to decide things all the time so i pulled this strength card thingie and later kate emailed me about how apt she thought it was and ***i think it was too*** because i am actually an incredibly strong person but i need five minutes to vent publicly ok. because i was born in terror and at the bottom of the last decade i was too close to those planes and that set off another reign of it in my too-feely little girlbrain and i got through those so i will get through this one but i am so scared about my mom my best friend my ally the one who understands me and who i understand and i have so much reason to be so scared and i’m sitting on a dark bus speeding out of town and i had to beg a doctor to keep her in the hospital another night to get it because i know her best and i know she wasn’t ok to come home and i don’t have her new place unpacked and another fall would be the apocalypse and their new landlord called me today to make sure my brother was ok because he was pacing and screaming for hours at dawn and how do you get someone help if they won’t help you get help and some of us got through that first reign of terror better than others you know? and i know if i don’t get these 12 hours away from the two mile circumference of sadness that is my life i can’t do it much longer and so i sit on the bus and i read about how men are killing us all and when they arrested my dad and we were all handcuffed on the couch watching them pull gun after gun after gun out of their bedroom and mental illness is horrifying and my brother’s voice when he’s angry which is mostly sounds so much like my dad’s and this word starts bouncing around in my brain 


like, pulling a trigger. obviously. on a memory, though. pulling a trigger on a stomachache. the other night i couldn’t calm down and i wrote it down like you’re supposed to do and–everything is so sad but it will only get worse and


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