i said goodbye to my brother tonight i took him out to dinner at the fancy restaurant and then we went to the apartment and we stood there in the room and there was nothing in the room and after a while i said
this is the room we watched her die in
then we hugged more than my brother has ever hugged then i said goodbye
i wasn’t really expecting it to affect me so much but
WELCOME TO GRIEF!
grief means that YOU NEVER FEEL HOW YOU EXPECT TO FEEL AT ANY MOMENT
good times. i’ve never experienced what pop culture calls in derogatory ways “PMS” i.e. wimmin be crazy, but now that’s my reality. mood swings that last three seconds, rage then tears then needing hugs right now then WHY IS EVERYONE TALKING SO LOUDLY IF THINGS AREN’T QUIET RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT.
i left my brother i sat in my car i fucking bawled. wild screaming tears. i drove home shakily i got inside i sat in the middle of the kitchen floor with my now-four cats streaming around me
sula my baby since college 1998
noodle my baby since my friend danny declawed her and left her behind 2001
cleo my baby since my housemate matt left her behind 2002
angel my baby since my mom died 2015
i sat on the floor and i screamed
MOMMY THIS IS TOO HARD I HATE THIS MOMMY COME BACK
and i got no sign she heard me, the embroidery she did in high school of tabby cats chasing a ball of string didn’t suddenly fall to the floor
there is nothing except me alive and her dead
my brother is going on a road trip and he has no idea where. vague plans for warmth. almost no money. everyone is sort of holding their breath. living in the car. everyone’s got to do it once
the room where she died looked so different from when it did when she died
maybe that’s what did it. the disconnect. the room looked like the room the day we looked at the apartment and i begged the landlord to let her move in. it looked pre-pauline but it was post-pauline, and i wanted to burn it to the ground.
you have no idea how kind she was